Preemies - Developmental Delays

As an extremely Type-A and achievement focused woman, it's taken a lot of effort to make peace with the pace at which my twins develop.  It's far too easy these days to get caught up in what milestones they should be hitting on the timeline I want them to meet.  Figuring out how to handle life when it doesn't go exactly as planned has been a huge learning lesson.

My girls are currently getting physical and occupational therapy due to the severity of their gross motor delays.  Most days it doesn't bother me one bit.  They're my little girls whom I love to the moon and back.  That I have no doubt about.  Yet I find myself struggling at times with a little pang I feel deep inside when outside the bubble of our home life.

Tonight I felt that familiar pang.  I was out to dinner with a colleague and friend I hadn't seen in several years.  During the course of the conversation she started rattling off questions about the girls.  Nothing out of the ordinary or intrusive.  Just things like "are you busy now that they're both walking?"  Walking.  Cue the pang.  

Neither of the twins is walking at 13 months.  They're working on skills like pulling up to standing and transitioning from crawling to a seated position.  Since starting their therapy, both have quickly learned new skills and are already showing progress.  It's amazing to watch them learn so quickly.  We have been given no reason but to be optimistic they'll catch up soon.  But the pang surfaces every so often.

The pang is a mixture of sadness and anger the girls have to work harder than other babies their age to do basic things.  In the grand scheme of things, I consciously know and recognize how blessed we are they're happy and healthy.  My head gets it, but my heart doesn't get it.  I've found myself fighting back tears when in physical therapy with my one daughter.  She was growing visibly frustrated with some of the positions the therapist was putting her in.  The pang of guilt and sadness reared it's ugly head.

No mother looks at her children and wishes life will be hard for them.  Quite the opposite, I think.  When I feel the pang, I think a part of me wishes I could fix things for my girls.  I want to wave Mommy's magic wand and make it so there was never any NICU time or therapies or worries.  Having babies in the NICU forced me to recognize from day one that I can't fix or control everything.  This Mommy doesn't have a magic wand in her toolkit.  No matter how much I wish I did at times.

Thankfully the pang doesn't usually last long.  It passes.  I take a deep breath, explain briefly how the girls are doing and move on.  No magic wand required.  

Milestones - Parenting Edition

We recently experienced a big milestone in our household - the first overnight away from the kids.  Considering our twins are 13 months old this was a long overdue and much needed night away.  With no family in the area, it's challenging finding someone we trust just for a date night let alone an overnight.  It's taken me, more so than the Hubs, some time to work up to feeling comfortable leaving for the night.

Truth be told, it was a work colleague and friend that convinced me to take this step.  She encouraged me to find more time for both myself and our marriage.  It's easy to lose yourself in parenting.  There's no doubt both the Hubs and I have lost sight of taking care of ourselves and our marriage in the past 2 years.  

In the end, we decided to leave all 3 kids with the twin's nanny.  Consciously I understand the twins spend a considerable amount of time with her during the work week.   But for some reason it felt differently to think about leaving them at night.  While it's hard to admit, and I recognize how irrational it was, I spent far too much time worrying about things like a fire or a burglar in the days leading up to the overnight.  I know something catastrophic can happen during the day (e.g. a fire) just as easy as at night.  My head just wasn't matching my heart on this one.

Thankfully everything went amazingly well.  The Hubs and I had good old-fashioned adult fun (read: dinner, drinks and dancing) in the city with friends.  Just having a break from changing 3 diapers was treat enough so everything else was icing on the cake.  We woke up to enjoy breakfast in bed, and I sipped my coffee while reading the Sunday paper.  A luxury that never happens at home.  

Now that we've reached this milestone, we're looking at other ways to focus more on self-care.  It's not easy carving out time for everything and everyone that needs to be taken care of in a day.  Managing multiples is exhaustingly awesome.  The Hubs and I need to remind each other and ourselves to recharge once in awhile. 

Day One

Now that we've survived (barely at times!) the first year of raising twins and a singleton I find myself treading water enough to start wondering about new interest and hobbies.  You know, things to think about besides diapers, bottles, nap schedules, and laundry.   After back-to-back fertility treatments, pregnancies, and adjusting to life with three little ones under age three, I'm feeling ready to get some of myself back.  It's time to reacquaint myself with the new me.  The new me who looks around and realizes life looks nothing like how I imagined it would be as a thirty-something year old Mom.  It's better and harder than I ever thought it could be.  

Life these days is hectic and stressful enough that I rarely have enough bandwidth at the end of the day to process my own thoughts, dreams, ideas, and fears.  Yet I feel the urge to find the time and more importantly, the mental space, to make myself do it.  This blog is going to be my white space, my white board.  A place where I can throw ideas and thoughts out there in a space that's all my own. 

Welcome!